Days of the Ken Cuban Presidency....The First Christmas.

[El Presidente]

***Language Warning***

Christmas in Cuba under the Ken presidency was destined to be different. After over 50 years of neglect, Christmas this year according to ken was going to make a comeback of Lazarus proportion.

Perfect blue sky Havana Day as I made my way to the Presidential terrace where the inner cabinet was seated in the morning sun.

Ken “ My friend Bruce has agreed to do a Christmas Concert in revolutionary square for a fraction of his normal fee”

Hamlet “How much for the gringo springsteen?”

Ken “ $ 1 million but he won’t take any more pesetas. USD only”

Jose “ ken..we don’t have $1 Million”

Ken “ How about we sponsor a Turkey Lunch in the square on Christmas Day?”

Hamlet “ The only things that “Gobble” in Cuba are....

Lisa “ That’s enough Hamlet!”

Maximus “ Ken, how about we re-engage with the community and do a Santa display in Plaza de la Revolución and hand out little gifts to the children? It will cost bugger all and make you out to be Mr. Nice Guy”

Ken “will there be press?”

Jose “Global ken. Maybe Time magazine again”

Ken “ Yeeeeeeeeesss. That will upset Obama no end! Let’s do it! ”

God had been kind to us. The Sunday before Christmas was a warm cloudless day. Here in the Plaza de la Revolución was before us a full scale replica of Santa’s winter wonderland complete with a magnificent chair fit for a king. The children would be escorted by the elves, one by one, up the twelve stairs to Santa himself .....who would make their dreams come true.

Smithy “This is ****ed! I look stupid dressed as a fricken elf”

Lisa “at least you have the legs for it...I am going to kick Maximus in the nuts so hard he is going to have two Adams apples.”

Hamlet “ move along elves...no loitering, the show starts in two minutes”

Jose “ how did you get security when I am dressed as a reindeer?”

Hamlet “Santa needs good security. There must be five thousand people out there”

Yaima “Do you really need to carry an Uzi?”

Hamlet “Rumour is there are deer around. By the way Yaima...nice Elf outfit!!!!!!”

Yaima “ I didn’t dress up. Maximus always has me dress this way”

Meanwhile behind the red velvet curtains which would shortly see Santa exit onto the stage and wave to the cheering crowd, nervousness set in with the star of the show.

Ken “ I hate you Maximus.....I really hate you”

Maximus “ You look great ken. Straighten the beard, remove some of the padding around the middle”

Ken “I am not wearing any padding smartarse”

Maximus “have you been drinking?”

Ken “ I took the liberty of a hipflask of Santiago 11. It’s cold in the north pole. I have to confess that I am a bit on edge.”

Maximus “Ken its easy...”Ho Ho Ho...ask some questions, make them happy, promise nothing, give them a little gift, send them on their way, make the cover of “Time” magazine. Don’t worry, I will be right behind the curtain listening in”.

Ken “Small problem Maximus”

Maximus “What?”

Ken “ I really hate kids “

Maximus “ Your on”

And with a gentle shove ken was shoved through the curtains onto the stage. The roar from the crowd was deafening....only broken eventually by a short sharp burst of machine gun fire.

Santa hit the deck clutching his chest.

Jose tore off his shirt (as he is prone to do) and raced up the stairs to Ken’s aid.

Smithy tucked and rolled into the crowd of children.

Lisa yelled out “Shoot Maximus as well!!!!”

Hamlet shouted up to the platform... with a wry smile “ Sorry Santa!....finger slipped. Won’t happen again!”

Order was quickly restored once we convinced Ken that the graze on his hand was not a bullet wound.... but an abrasion from his belt buckle. I had to move quickly before Santa called it a day. Santa took a sly swig.

Maximus “ Elf Smithy...bring up the first child”

Smithy walked up to a little seven year old boy at the front of the long ...long cue

Smithy “Come with me Kid. I need a name”

Raul “ my name is Raul. I am seven years of age and live with my mother and...”

Smithy “Save it for the fat man Kid”

Raul “Santa?”

Smithy “There is no Santa Kid, just a life of disillusionment where one day you believe you are changing the world and the next you are a 38 year old elf with good legs.

Ken with a huge smile.... “Well well well....if it isn’t Elf Smithy.... and... who have we here?”

Smithy “Roger”

Raul “ Raul”

Ken “ Well Roger Raul....hop on my lap and tell Santa what would you like for Christmas?”

Smithy “Careful kid”

Raul “ Well Santa...I would like a toy rifle”

Ken “ Ho Ho Ho ...you must be Hugo Chavez’s kid. Santa does not believe in toy weapons or NRA caps. I think what you really would like is this “I love President Ken” T shirt and 100 peseta drink voucher. Buy your father a bottle of rum. Do you have a sister?”

Raul “yes santa”

Ken “well here is a 100 peseta voucher for her which she can use at any la casa de Habanos store. Now move along Roger Raul. Santa has a lot of sprogs to see”

While Elf Smithy walked a confused Roger Raul down the stairs, Santa heard a successions of “PSSST PSSSST PSSSSSSSS!” from behind the curtain.

Ken “WHAT!”

Maximus “ARE you a moron! You can’t go giving kids drink and cigar vouchers! Where did you get them?

Ken “ Hamlet. Have to go Maximus...i’m on a roll!”

Ken “ Well....if it isn’t the buxom Elf Lisa...”

Lisa “ Piss off Santa”

Ken “ Well Elf Lisa....who do you have there under your shadow?”

Lisa “ Maria de la Carmen Perriera...she is nine”

Ken “ Now Elf Lisa...no swearing. Come up here on my lap child and tell Santa what you would like for Christmas”

Maria “ I would like the end of the embargo where Cuba could again become the Pearl of the Antilles and a land of opportunity.”

Ken “ Santa knows Presidente Ken is doing his best little girl. That bad man Obama is the one to blame.”

Maria “ My father says Presidente Ken hurt Obama and now Cuba is paying for it”

Ken “Your father is a dimwit. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to breed”

Lisa “SANTA!”

Ken “here Kid, take a 100 peseta drink voucher and buy yourself a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. NEXT!”

Ken “Well if it isn’t reindeer jose! Nice to see you with your shirt back on. You remind me of Groundkeeper Willie from the Simpsons. Who do we have here Reindeer Willie?”

Jose “Pedro Santa. He has a Lazy eye and a special request”

Ken “ on my lap Pedro and ask Santa?”

Pedro “ I would like a normal eye Santa. Some children at school tease me”

Ken “ I can fix that”

Maximus “PSSST PSSSSSSSSSST PSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!!!! “

Ken “ excuse me Pedro....the magic curtain is talking......WHAT!!!!!”

Maximus “You can’t do fricken miracles.....you are Santa...not JESUS!!!!!”

Ken “ I AM GIVING HIM AN EYE PATCH YOU IDIOT!!!”

....and so, four hours later Santa had had enough, swaying, he waved to the crowd of children, bellowed out HO! HO! HO! one more time, and promptly fell off the stage while calling to his reindeer... now apparently named cisco, puncho, batman and zorro.

I walked over to Hamlet as the crowd filtered away.

Hamlet “That went well “

Maximus “Smashing”

To be continued.

[Fuzz]

To quote the movie Die Hard, "If this is their idea of Christmas, i gotta be here for New Year's!"

[Stalebread]

Chuckling Out Loud

[thechenman]

Hilarious...X-Mas in Cuba w/Presidente Ken...now that's something. Exactly what? I don't know, but definitely something...

[Colt45]

Another great installment.

But KG as Santa? I can't help but think of Dan Aykroyd in trading places:

[Habanos2000]

another great installment !

[jquest63]

LOL!