Day 183 of the Ken Cuban Presidency.

[El Presidente]

The trip back home from the latin American Congress was non eventful except for the part where we tried to get Ken to board the Presidential Cubanair plane or as Ken calls the Boeing.... “Aero Fuerza Uno” (ken couldn’t resist).

Ken “Maximus why is that we have the worst airline in the world? It’s embarrassing coming to these meetings in Cubanair Uno... coughing and spluttering like a hit zero trying to make the carrier deck.”

Maximus. “Actually ken we are ranked the third worst airline in the world but we have introduced the concept of maintenance.”

Ken “ ...and why does Lisa get to fly Mexicana Airlways?”

Maximus “ Should this plane go down Jose takes over your role and lisa becomes VP”

Ken “ When was all this worked out!!!”

Maximus “When you cancelled the priority one meeting last week because it clashed with your womens rugby replay.”

Ken “Very sensual Maximus...combining women and Rugby!....like Shiraz and Voigner!!”

Maximus “ You have a serious problem mate. Most Rugby women players would scare a brown dog”

Ken “ Maximus, being Presidente is fun and I don’t regret it but to be honest I am toeier than a Roman Sandal.”

I must say I understood Ken’s situation. It had been six months since Ken had won the Cuban presidency and outside of the fact that he had somehow manage to piss off Obama and become the Left Wing Latin American Pin up Boy, things were going well. Jose had presented the first 180 days achievements to Time magazine which had just released a front cover article “Presidente Gargett...Buffoon, Brilliant or Both?” The list of achievements were genuine and seriously impressive but there was so much to do that the pressure was suffocating.

What was called for was a night out at the Gato Tuerto jazz bar, just the inner team with the aim to blow off some steam. Felix, one of Havana’s best barmen (and the only person in Havana with an ORIS watch) had a table waiting.

Ken “ Thanks for this fella’s. I needed to get out and let off some steam and I love the Tuerto!” Maximus...remember those scrubbers we picked up here many years ago? The laughs, the police. “

Maximus “Ken...Officially we never picked up any “scrubbers”. The President of Cuba doesn’t pick up “scrubbers” and nor does his mates”.

Ken “I miss those days Maximus. For all my international fame and domestic popularity, I know I am a god to these people. However right now I need.....I need...

Smilthy “ a sense of humility?”

Ken “ What I need is a companion”

Hamlet “I can get you a dog?”

Smithy “Moron...he wants something to poke....not pat”

Hamlet “ he could do both with the right dog”

Maximus “ Seriously fellas’....give the guy some compassion.”

Lisa “ I am so sorry ken. I can understand your longing for a partner to share your success and struggles. Someone to have a family with, to grow old together with”

Ken “ Actually I am looking for a hottie who puts out”

Lisa “Pig”

Maximus “Cut him a break Lise. Ken tonight is your night, sit back, have a few drinks but don’t go overboard. Remember, the place is packed and we have purposefully taken a table at the back in the dark so we can be just like anyone else.”

Ken “Is that why I am wearing a fake moustache and sunglasses”

Maximus “it is not a Village People reunion Ken”

The Tuerto was in full swing with a fantastic rendition of classics by pedro Mendez Jr and his sensational band. The cigar smoke always falls thick at the Gato Tuerto and mixes seamlessly with sweet scent of Mojito mint, beads of sweat from dancing bodies, expensive and cheap perfumes from high fashion women and prostitutes alike.

Ken was on his feet, dancing to the beat, mojito in one hand .....Cohiba Esplendido in the other. He was getting out of hand singing at full voice.

Ken “Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl .With yellow feathers in her hair And a dress cut just cut down to there”

Maximus “Settle pettle”

A good looking blonde chick in a yellow dress walks past our table. In his best James Dean.....ken yells out in full voice....

“LOOOOOOLA!!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLA!!!

Hamlet “ Presidente... Her name is Rosie and she is 100 CUC an hour.”

Maximus “Ken...you can’t go around talking to Prosti.......”

Lisa “He’s gone”

Smithy “Just because she is a prostitute doesn’t mean he will score”

Jose “ as long as he stays in disguise we are fine”

Hamlet “I will put $10 of Convertible KENS(the new currency) up that he won’t go 2 minutes without blurting his true identity”

Smithy “You are on...even Ken is not that stupid. ”

Lisa “What if he actually wants to take her back to the Presidential Palace?”

Maximus “ Won’t happen Lise. He doesn’t have a cent on him”

So Presidente Ken in disguise and jigging away with arms raised aloft....saunters down and seductively leans against the bar next to Rosie.

Ken “ .......Hola Chica.....Soy Bean “El Presidente!!!”

Rosie “Hola handsome, my name is Rosie. You can call yourself Batman for all I care, 100 CK’s an hour and I will be your First Lady”

............Smithy hands Hamlet the $10 note.....

Before ken could blurt out another line Hamlet and Jose had him by an arm each and back to the table.

Maximus...”What part of the term “Discretion” did you have a problem with?”

Ken “When it met its arch enemy “Desperation”

Lisa “Ken the French rule is half your age + 7......not subtract seven!”

Maximus “Ken I know this good looking widow I can stitch you up with. Great family, good political connections, hates Sauvignon Blanc, and has asked to be invited to a palace dinner party”

Ken “ I bet she is over 50 Maximus, needs all of Merlins powers to make her look good and she is a mental fruit loop isn’t she Maximus.......ISN’T SHE MAXIMUS!!!!!?”

Hamlet comes back to the table

Hamlet “I have her in a taxi car on the way to the Presidential Palace Presidente Ken. I She said can bring her friend Mercedes for double trouble at $150. I have paid and all is well. I have called forward and they can be shown through to the “Jungle room” which is what the locals will shortly call your palace room”

Smithy “You were going to get him a dog 10 minutes ago”

Lisa “ The fricken Jungle Room? It has to be because it’s overgrown!”

Hamlet “ My Presidente Ken is first and foremost a friend and while he is a decrepid shell of a man he is a man and has the normal needs of men. I will not see my great friend die of loneliness while making great deeds for the people of Cuba.”

Ken “ Thank you Hamlet. That is perhaps the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I will never forget what a true friend you are. You could learn something from this Maximus!”

Smithy “I am lonely too.... in case anyone was wondering”

As we left the Tuerto for the Government car back to the Presidential Palace I pulled Hamlet aside.

Maximus “You really want that Tobacco, Rum and Coffee super ministry don’t you”

Hamlet “You bet your ass Hermano and if I have to dip a doughnut to get it.....so be it”

It was 2am as we said our goodnights and headed to our rooms. I couldn’t help but laugh at the course of events of the past couple of days. As I swung open the French windows to my room and took in the ocean.....as well as the naked silhouette of Ken on the far terrace overlooking the beach..both fists raised to the stars and yelling.....”I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD!”

It was 2:04 am.

To be Continued

[Chaki]

[Tampa1257]

This is really getting good!

[Fuzz]

Rob, whatever you do, don't stop! Please don't stop!

I really can't read this stuff at the office any more. Too many of my colleagues are wondering why I'm laughing like a madman.

[Stalebread]

Grinning all the way through Day 130.

[coopesc2000]

Thats hillarious!!

[thechenman]

Keep them coming Prez...always good for a laugh during a dreary day at the office.

[mkz]

Pure Gold!!

[Habanos2000]

you had me interested until you mentioned 'the naked silhouette of Ken".

[Fuzz]

Rob, what happened to the Day 176 post? You got a DeLorien we don't know about?

[El Presidente]

Rob, what happened to the Day 176 post? You got a DeLorien we don't know about?

!LOL! I had a hangover when I wrote it

Will correct.

[Fuzz]

!LOL! I had a hangover when I wrote it

quote]

ROFL!

And how is that any different from every other day?

[CigarmanTim]

Best one yet

[BiseBrisiob]

I miss this crazy show a lot Thanks for reminding me about it, Ive seen some old clips on Youtube a while ago Still awesome even though I think the last episode is a complete piss-take.