For anyone who has ever sworn at a tool in their shed...

[zuma]

I am sure this will resonate with more than one of you...

---------------------------

Description of common tools.

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock

out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer

across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully

set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench

with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses

from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s h --'

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH:

Used to start the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the

creation of knuckle abrasions.

PLIERS:

Used to complete the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in

the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into

major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.. It

transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more

you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers completely round off bolt heads. They can also

be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on

fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which

you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for

testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC JACK:

A tool used for raising a car to change a flat tire that seldom fits under a

car with a flat tire.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your

new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good

aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can

after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to

disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be

used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted

screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

WIRE CUTTERS:

Handy for cutting wires and zip ties. Can also be used to determine the

presence of electricity.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed

to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a

kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object

we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered

to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl

records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and

rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and

fingers, but only while in use.

Son of a ***** TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son

of a *****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool

that you will need.

[Ken Gargett]

read the title of this thread and thought it must be rob having a go at smithy.

[OZCUBAN]

well done Zuma absolutely brilliant

Oz

[gfoster]

Yeah, I'd have to say you've got it spot on with these.

-- Gary F.

[samb]

Lol, yep.

[anacostiakat]

I have sworn at many tools in my lifetime. I do not had a shed. . .

[Ellery]

Hahaha...whenever I tell my wife I am going to take on a project, she just looks at me and asks me how much is it going to cost after I give it a shot and then hire a professional to do it

[Jesuscookies]

I LOL'd.... Good stuff!

[doubleaay]

Haha great stuff! I especially like the floor jack and utility knife! I have way too much experience with both of them.