suggestion for rob, b\'day gift for wife

[Ken Gargett]

mate sent me this. i immediately thought it would be a great gift for rob to buy for his wife's birthday (and of course, test).

Pocket Tazer Stun Gu a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

> his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

>

> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

> my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were

> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

>

> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

> I

> loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the but ton.

> Nothing!

> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue

> arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

>

> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

> the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,

> thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

> triple-A batteries, right?

>

> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I

> must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

> and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

> to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

> want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

>

> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

> hand, and Tazer in another.

> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

> and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

> batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

> about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

> and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,

> 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but

> I'll do my best...?

>

> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

> side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst

> from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided

> to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the

> prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF

> GOD . . .

> WEAPONS

> OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

>

> I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in

> the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over

> again.

> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears

> in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

> be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,

> and tingling in my legs?

>

> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

> a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

> avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

>

> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one

> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you

> zap yourself!

> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

> by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be

> considered conservative?

>

> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

> the fireplace.

> The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

> originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

> bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

> Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense

> of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

> believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

> offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

>

> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

>

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[smokum]

OMG I think I pissed mself from laughing !! Friggin people are so stupid. Which brings me to a quick story about myself when I was 21. I got a spray cannister of real MACE from my cousin on the Chicago Police Dept. Just for the hell of it I sprayed it safely away from me so as not to get any directly on or in me. But just to make sure it was real MACE..I promptly sniffed the can where it squirts out. ****in idiot...20 minutes later when I was done coughing shitting,spitting,nose running..I realized the stuff was real. I don't think you can get MACE anymore but that **** was wicked. Can't imagine pepper spray being as good as that stuff. :rotfl:

[Colt45]

I thought all you could get in Oz anymore was a pointed stick - with the point blunted.......

[Ken Gargett]

» I thought all you could get in Oz anymore was a pointed stick - with the

» point blunted.......

colt, i think that when it comes from 'larry's pistol and pawn shop', we can assume that it is from your side of the pond. didn't say that the friend was necessarily aussie.

[Colt45]

» » I thought all you could get in Oz anymore was a pointed stick - with the

» » point blunted.......

»

»

» colt, i think that when it comes from 'larry's pistol and pawn shop', we

» can assume that it is from your side of the pond. didn't say that the

» friend was necessarily aussie.

Well, it is intended for RA's wife, and would be a great gift if available.

But regardless, we'd be assuming RA would remember his wife's birthday.......

[Ken Gargett]

» Well, it is intended for RA's wife, and would be a great gift if

» available.

» But regardless, we'd be assuming RA would remember his wife's

» birthday.......

for that, i'd help.