Important Zen teachings

[First Lady]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just p * ss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Matthew]

True words of wisdom.

[Wiley]

These are quite awesome, grasshopper!

[Hugomarink]

» 3. No one is listening until you fart.

That's my favorite. :-D

[anacostiakat]

I hear the sound of one hand clapping. . .

[Fishhound]

Very funny Lisa, this may be your best yet.:-D

[mkz]

» 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a

» couple of mortgage payments.

Amen to that!! :-P

[56Tweed]

» 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

»

Thats great!

[Guest Warren]

» I hear the sound of one hand clapping. . .

I hear the sound of one Dude farting

[Colt45]

he who goes to bed with itchy bum,

often wakes up with stinky finger.

[smokum]

» 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on

» the same night.

Wish I would have known this last night.

[brooklyn]

You are wise,grasshopper. I appreciate number 16 as a lesson learned the hard way!:-P

[BlackFriar]

Teach a man how to build a fire, and he will be warm for the night.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm the rest of his life.