WINNERS ANNOUNCED!! Friday Funny Weekend Joke Comp: 5 FOH caps to be won

[El Presidente]

Keep them clean "ish"  

Post your joke.

The first cap to the joke with the most likes. Everyone goes into the Tuesday draw for the next 4. 

 

[El Presidente]

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.  "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, really quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some golfer sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 "Not everybody pays," she replied.

 

(With thanks to JK!)

 

[MichaelJB]

Woman: I have 14 children, Groucho .
Groucho: You have 14 children? Why do you have so many kids?
Woman: Because I love my husband .
Groucho: I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while.

[Bijan]

[oneizzzz]

Two men become friends and start having coffee every morning.  Pierre is French.  Vladislav is Russian.

Every morning, before he sips his espresso, Pierre delicately sniffs his little finger and says, "Mimi, Mimi."

This goes on for a few days and eventually Vladislav asks, "So, Pierre, I see you sniff finger each morning and I wonder why you do?"

Pierre says, "I love my beautiful wife, Mimi, so every morning before I leave, I finger her.  This way I can smell her delicious scent throughout the day.  Oh how I love her, ma chérie."

Vladislav says, "Dat is very beautiful, Pierre, maybe I try this tomorrow."

The next morning, the men meet at their usual café.  Pierre delicately sniffs his little finger.  Vladislav vigorously smells his entire forearm and lustfully grunts, "NATASHAAAA!"

[SpecialK]

A guy sees an advert for a talking dog being given away for free..

He calls and arranges a meeting time and place to see the dog.

He arrives at the house meets the dogs owner and asks where the dog is, The owner says just go down the hall  in the last room on the right.

He walks in and meets the dog and says can you really talk ?

"Of course I can" the dog says.. "My name is Buster and before I had my owner I was a service dog in Iraq, I've been to space on numerous secret missions for NASA, I was on the Osama Bin Laden Raid, worked for the NSA and the Secret Service...not the mention the FBI and the CIA...."

"Hold that thought"  says the guy.....He rushes out of the room to see the owner..

He confronts the owner and says "What would posses you to give this dog away ?? He can talk ! and He's done all these amazing things !?!?!?"

The owner says....................................... "He's a big Liar !!"

 

 

 

 

[RichG]

A man walks into a brothel and says “I want to have the girl who gives the absolute worst BJ in the house, here’s $100”. The Madam looks at him and says, “for $100, you can have the best BJ in the house.” The man shakes his head and replies, “thanks anyway, but I’m homesick, not horny”.

[Edicion]

It's a good investment 

[Habana Mike]

E: Do you need a new purse or some shoes?]

 

Plus, you can also show her what cigars go for on Bond Roberts and she'll believe it is a good investment. Just don't let he know you smoked them all instead!

[Drguano]

Captain Biggles is attempting to fly across the width of Africa when his engine seizes up and he is forced to land the aircraft in a rather remote area

The local tribesmen take I’m to their chieftain and the intrepid airman pleads for help.

The chief says we will help you but first you must perform three tasks to show you are worthy.

First, you must drink the nectar of the gods.

Second, you must extract an abcessed tooth from a lion who has been terrorizing the village.

Third, and most importantly, you must satisfy the passions of the oldest woman in the village and provide her with her first orgasm in 70 years.

Biggles says “Fine. Let’s get cracking!”

The chief’s men hand Biggles a large gourd containing a liter of thick, foul smelling and highly alcoholic fluid and he begins to drink. It is disgusting and potent and it takes hime quite a while to finish but he does the job.

Next they guide the now inebriated pilot to an enclosure, push him in and bar the gate. A fearful growling begins and rapidly escalates to a fearful roaring of an enraged lion. The terrible sound echos around the forest for what seems to be hours.

Then it falls quiet. After a while, Biggles staggers out of the lion’s stockade.

Looking around with glazed eyes, he says “Okay where’s this old lady with a toothache?”

[Fuzz]

Received some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training and tirelessly serving the community for two decades, my good friend has been struck off the register after one indiscretion. He apparently slept with one of his patients, and can no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, money, and training. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet...

[Jfeath74]

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

[La_Tigre]

What’s brown and sticky?

.

.

.

 

A stick.

[Chibearsv]

After the ocean liner hit the iceberg, several men got together to decide how to get the ship evacuated before it sank.

The Rabbi - "The children.  We must save the children!"

The Lawyer- "F@#$ the children!"

The Priest- "Well there certainly isn't time for that now"

[Joeyjojo]

Two ladies are walking over a bridge, a little bit drunk.

One of the ladies says 'I want to pee off of the bridge like I've seen the men do..'

So, she hops up and sits on the rail, and looks over her shoulder.

She says to her friend 'I'm going to try to hit that canoe'

Her friend says 'that's not a canoe, it's your reflection..'

 

[SirVantes]

So FOH runs this joke competition, and Prez says “keep them clean (ish)”…

[Nevrknow]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher,

"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said,

"Okay , but don't go in that field over there", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,

"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this  badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

[rckymtn22]

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, Jim was sitting cross-legged on the floor happily organizing his wineador. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit smoking. Maybe you should sell your cigars and that fridge thingy."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

[El Hoze]

A guy comes home from work and there is an angry gorilla on his roof. 

He looks in the phone book and finds “Gorilla Removers Inc”, places a call and they say we’ll be right over. 

Ten min later the Gorilla Removers Inc truck shows up and a guy gets out and out of the back of the truck he gets a ladder, a Germand Shepherd, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. 

The Gorilla Remover guy says “OK this is how this is gonna work. I’m gonna climb the ladder up to the roof and I’m going to wrestle the gorilla and throw the gorilla off the roof. Now when I throw the gorilla off the roof the German Shepherd is trained to sick balls. When the dog bites the gorilla’s crotch, the gorilla is going to reach down to grab the dog. When he does that, you handcuff the gorilla. Simple as that.” 

The guy says “OK, I think I’ve got it….but wait a minute….what is the shotgun for?”

The Gorilla Remover says, “Well, every once in a very rare while the gorilla wins and throws me off the roof. If that happens, you shoot the dog.”

[westg]

[Guest Nekhyludov]

Me: "Babe, did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reece ..."

Wife: "Witherspoon?"

Me: "No, with her knife."

Wife: "Jerk."

[cigcars]

             

[MichaelJB]

[Ford2112]

Where do cats go on vacation?

 

Meowi.

 

I'll be here all week!

[MoeFOH]

A great chuckle... well done to all! 

The most likes/laughs win goes to @Chibearsv

The 4 random draw winners are: @El Hoze @Joeyjojo @Habana Mike @RichG-LI-NY

Congrats! 

Please PM your details (name, address, and email) to me, and we'll arrange dispatch of your prize. 

Thanks to all who participated!