Walked into a bar... jokes

[Ken Gargett]

[SirVantes]

An Irishman walked into a bar. The bruise on his forehead lasted for a week. 
 

(One for the low bar man)

[Ken Gargett]

5 minutes ago, SirVantes said:

An Irishman walked into a bar. The bruise on his forehead lasted for a week. 
 

(One for the low bar man)

and very much appreciated. 

[Vitola]

Two Irishmen walk into a bar and notice Paddy the bartender hanging upside down from the light fitting shouting
“ I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb”
The bar manager looks at Paddy and says
“Paddy get yourself off home, your not well”
Paddy packs up his things and leaves the pub.
The two Irishmen - look at each other and start to walk out of the pub. The bar manager looks and says “why are you leaving?” The Irishmen respond.
“You don’t expect us to drink in the dark?”


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[Colt45]

three guys walked into a bar -

the fourth one ducked

[Cayman17]

A man walks into a bar and sees a dog in the corner licking its balls. As he sits down at the bar, he motions towards the dog and says to the bartender, “I wish I could do that.”

The bartender replies, “Go ahead, he doesn’t bite.” 

[SirVantes]

Captain Kirk walks into a bar. His holstered sidearm stretches from his hip to his knee. The bartender says, “Why the long phaser?”

[Fuzz]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

[Ken Gargett]

18 minutes ago, Fuzz said:

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

the current winner

[Deeg]

Expats here often tell this one...

A gaijin walks into a bar in Ginza. 10 Japanese people walk out.

[scap99]

2 hours ago, SirVantes said:

Captain Kirk walks into a bar. His holstered sidearm stretches from his hip to his knee. The bartender says, “Why the long phaser?”

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[Ryan]

A man in Ireland walking past his local bar.

It's on fire, flames coming out the windows. Suddenly another man runs out, clothes smoldering, face blackened.

The guy outside asks "What happened? How did the fire start?"

"I don't know, it was already burning when I went in."

[Ryan]

I've heard this one as a true story. Three men walk in to a "gastro-pub" in Ireland.

A waitress comes over and asks "What would you like?"

One of the guys says, "Do you have chicken wings?"

She says "Yes!"

He says, "OK so, fly over to the counter and get us three pints of Guinness."

[Nino]

6 hours ago, Deeg said:

Expats here often tell this one...

A gaijin walks into a bar in Ginza. 10 Japanese people walk out.

Don't know about Ginza area but happened to me in Shinagawa at a Yakitori place ... ?

[cigaraholic]

 An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of Irish whiskey, the bartender looks at him a little sideways but sets up three shots of Irish whiskey, he shoots them down and leaves.  After a week of this the bartender asked him how come every day you come in here and order three shots of Irish whiskey, the Irishman says the first shot is for me brother in Ireland and the second shot is for me other brother in Ireland and the third shot is for me. One day the Irishman comes into the bar and orders two shots of Irish whiskey, the bartender says what happen, one of your brothers die, the Irishman says no I quit drinking 

[RDBM]

Two guys sitting in a bar when a guy bursts through the door and shouts, you lot over there are arseholes and you lot over there are dicks, then runs out  

The next week same two guys are in the bar when the guy bursts through the door and does exactly the same, first guy turns to the second and says, if he does that next week I’m going to say something to him. 

So sure enough they’re back in the bar the following week when the same guy bursts through the door and shouts, you lot over there are arseholes and you lot over there are dicks ! And before he can run out the guy stands up and says, hey ! I’m not an arsehole ! And the guy says, we’ll get over there with the dicks !!

[El Hoze]

some great ones here. I’m stealing these and getting some good laughs. 

[canadianbeaver]

Fantastic!

This dog walks into a bar, steps up and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender tells him to get lost as they do not serve dogs. 

Again the dog orders, putting his wallet on the bar, telling how he is a paying customer. Bartender pulls out a gun, shoots him and tells him to get lost.

The next week, the doors open. There stands the dawg in a black hat, black leather jacket, black boots and pointing a gun at the bartender that done shot him. He says, “Are you the one that shot my paw?”.

[canadianbeaver]

It was a busy night at the local sushi bar. A regular customer suddenly started to choke on his piece of raw octopus.

His friend hit his back, tried to look in his mouth and asked everyone for help!

Suddenly this very affected gay gentleman came over, pulled down his pants, stuck his tongue up his bum and the octopus piece went flying from the gentleman’s mouth. He was fine.

The man, now safe, was grateful but shocked. “What the hell was that?”

”Sir”, said the man who saved him. “Was the Hind Lick Manoeuvre!”

[joeypots]

A blind guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He says to the bartender, "you hear the one about the blond..."

The bartender cuts him short. "Hey, I'm blond, my beautiful wife is blond, and my son, who will kick your ass, is blond. You really want to tell this joke?"

Blind guy says, "Nah, never mind. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

[GrouchoMarx]

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.

He says "I'll bet anyone here I can put my penis in its mouth and not be harmed". Several people put up some money so he whips it out, and puts his dick in the gator's mouth. After a couple minutes, he whacks the gator on the head and it lets go. The man is unharmed and wins the bet!

Then the man says "anyone else want to try". No one does, except the blonde girl in the back who raises her hand and says "I'll try - just don't hit my head too hard!".

(ta boom tishhhh)

[Nino]

A foreign tourist walks into a bar in Spain, he is hungry and he asks the waiter - excuse me, I am a tourist, I am hungry and would like to have the local specialty of this village.

The waiter says, si Señor, no problem, the local dish of this village is Cojones of the bull.

OK says the tourist, I'll try it.

10 minutes later he gets a big plate full of rice with 2 big Cojones on top. He tries it, fantastic.

Next day the tourist goes back to the bar and says : Jose, can I have the Cojones again, they were delicious.

Sure Sir, no problem.

10 minutes later he has a big plate of rice with 2 small Cojones on top. He tries it, good enough.

When he is finished he asks : Jose, what happened ? Yesterday the Cojones were big, today they were small ?

The waiter replies : Sorry Sir, not always Torero wins, sometimes also the bull wins ...