ron swanson-isms

[Ken Gargett]

Ron Swanson – one of the great tv characters

 

Had P&R on in the background and heard one of the great Swansonisms, though it was not part of the collection – see below.

Fish – they are for sport only. Not meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Reminded me of a few others not on the list –

Salad – the food my food eats.

Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.

Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets.

You had me at meat tornado.

You are literally listening to turkey calls. Is this not rap?

 

This was a collection from the net.  some are less than others but 16, 19 and 21 are faves.

1. “There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.”

2. “Never half ass two things. Whole ass one thing.”

3. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know, I don’t really care about them.”

4. “I like saying ‘no.’ It lowers their enthusiasm.”

5. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

6. “Son, there is no wrong way to consume alcohol.”

7. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

8. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”

9. “I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.”

10. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

11. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”

12. “Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.”

13. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”

14. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don’t believe in love, what’s the point of living?”

15. “Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.”

16. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying, and that’s skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

17. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”

18. “I got my first job when I was nine. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.”

19. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”

20. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.”

21. “Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”

22. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

23. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

24. “An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight reel from the WNBA.”

25. “Do not waste energy moving unless necessary.”

26. “I was born ready. I’m Ron F**king Swanson.”

27. “I regret nothing. The end.”

[shlomo]

Outstanding. 

[Fuzz]

2 hours ago, Ken Gargett said:

6. “Son, there is no wrong way to consume alcohol.”

 

Sorry to disagree, but yes there is.

[IPORTER]

Just Brilliant!

[Ethernut]

Saw this Swansonism somewhere.

”Capitalism. Gods way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

The turkey call / rap quote was particularly funny to me also.

[steelcity]

Such a great character.  

[gweilgi]

19 hours ago, Fuzz said:

Sorry to disagree, but yes there is.

Agreed.

Case in point:

http://www.idrink.com/v.html?id=2046

[Fuzz]

11 minutes ago, gweilgi said:

Agreed.

Case in point:

http://www.idrink.com/v.html?id=2046

The name of the drink is nothing compared to the wrong way of consuming alcohol. Let's just say, consuming from "the other end" is wrong (and potentially deadly) in so many ways.

 

[gweilgi]

4 minutes ago, Fuzz said:

The name of the drink is nothing compared to the wrong way of consuming alcohol. Let's just say, consuming from "the other end" is wrong (and potentially deadly) in so many ways.

That is a subject on which I remain very happily ignorant.

I did come across AWOL machines a few times: contraptions that let you inhale alcohol rather than drink it.  What's the point of those, other than to get you drunk MUCH faster?  

[SignalJoe]

"I call this turf n' turf.  It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse.  I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American" - Ron Swanson 

[stogieluver]

Ken,

Thanks for posting and enlightening me on this character.  I've never watched P & R, and now I wish I had.  Had no clue who you were posting about. 

This guy is hilarious, and pure genius.

[Stump89]

'Wouldn’t know. Never been hungover. After I’ve had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak pan fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep.'

My personal favorite Ron quote.

[Stogieninja]

“What will it be, Leslie, hunting or fishing?”

“I really want to shoot something.”

“Fishing it is.”

 

“I want you to bring me all your bacon and eggs.

...wait! I think what you heard was ‘bring me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, bring me all the bacon and eggs you have.”

 

 “Give 100%. 110% is impossible, only an idiot would recommend that.”

 

“I think there’s been a mistake. You’ve given me the food that my food eats.”

 

“I love vegetarians. Some of my favorite foods are vegetarians.”

 

 

I also used #2, “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” in a meeting once. My manager at the time asked us all to bring a motivational quote. That was mine. She didn’t think it was funny as everyone else did.

 

 

[joeypots]

 The salad one is older than the show. “That’s what food eats.” Is at least 40 years old but is nonetheless less a great line when muttered to a dining companion while pointing to the salad.

[BolivarSmoker]

Ron Swanson: “How much postage does it take to send a letter to Canada?”

 

April Ludgate: “Who’s it going to?”

 

Ron Swanson: “Canada! It says ‘Dear Canada, F**k You!”

 

 

 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

 

 

 

 

[gweilgi]

10 hours ago, joeypots said:

 The salad one is older than the show. “That’s what food eats.” Is at least 40 years old but is nonetheless less a great line when muttered to a dining companion while pointing to the salad.

I have also been known to respond to aggressive vegetarianism by using the less polite variant of "my food sh*ts on your food".

 

[GWG]

Thanks Ken and the rest of you Ron fans, that was exceedingly entertaining.