The Colonoscopy Journal

[Ken Gargett]

From Writer, Dave Barry, columnist for the Miami Herald and other newspapers.

i have been reading dave barry since the 70s. big fan.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house down.

When everything was ready Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not ***.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

[WarriorPrincess]

love it Ken thanks for the laugh ;-)

[Drguano]

Yes. Mine is due next month. When I had my last one, they gave me the choice of watching it live on the monitor. I passed (pardon the expression).

[ThePolskiOgorki]

I am a few years away from needing these but good for a laugh regardless. Thanks Ken. I particularly liked # 9 and 10 above and may just need to refer back for future use.

[Afineash]

Hilarious to say the least.

Thanks for the laugh.

[foursite12]

OMFG, Ken I have loved Dave Barry for decades and this is but one example justifying that love. Hilarious with such a fabulous writing style. Thanks for sharing.

[skalls]

My dad was kind enough to regale me a tale about his colonoscopy during dinner a couple years ago.

The rest of that meal was hard to eat....

[stogieluver]

The worst part of the whole thing, and I'm not lying, is the damned movieprep. You sleep through the worst part. And the best part is waking up in the coed farting room. No kidding. Everyone has to fart before they let you leave. I don't think anyone had a problem farting.

[cigcars]

Angry comedian Lewis Black described the procedure of getting a colonoscopy, but yours, Ken even out did HIS routine! He described the flavor of that drink too in colorful terms, then talked about how you'll benefit from having War and Peace, AND some other real long novel around for all the pooping you'll do! Thanks for this humorous story, Ken! I know I'LL never voluntarily get one of these, although my doctor did suggest it once No. Thank. YOU!!!

[Ken Gargett]

Angry comedian Lewis Black described the procedure of getting a colonoscopy, but yours, Ken even out did HIS routine! He described the flavor of that drink too in colorful terms, then talked about how you'll benefit from having War and Peace, AND some other real long novel around for all the pooping you'll do! Thanks for this humorous story, Ken! I know I'LL never voluntarily get one of these, although my doctor did suggest it once No. Thank. YOU!!!

as horrendous as they are, depending on your age, bite the bullet. the alternatives are so much worse.

and trust me, his story was nothing compared to mine for a similar procedure.

[Fuzz]

Moviprep needs to be banned by the UN. Any would-be terrorists take heed, forget trying to secure nuclear weapons. Just by a whole lot of Moviprep and put it in the local water supply. You will cripple a city in a matter of hours.

And that "orange" flavoured Moviprep is the worst of them all. I've had Moviprep "lemon" and "unflavoured", but orange is the worst. Tastes like you were sucking on a coin (a well handled coin that has been in circulation since the 1950's), that a thoughtful person has hooked up to a battery, with a mild taste of what a person who has no tastebuds "thinks" is orange flavour.

Then you get to play space shuttle booster, without all the cool sound effects. You will need to replace your launching pad, though.

[GavLew79]

I nearly choked on my breakfast! Hilarious! ?

[cigcars]

Moviprep needs to be banned by the UN. Any would-be terrorists take heed, forget trying to secure nuclear weapons. Just by a whole lot of Moviprep and put it in the local water supply. You will cripple a city in a matter of hours.

And that "orange" flavoured Moviprep is the worst of them all. I've had Moviprep "lemon" and "unflavoured", but orange is the worst. Tastes like you were sucking on a coin (a well handled coin that has been in circulation since the 1950's), that a thoughtful person has hooked up to a battery, with a mild taste of what a person who has no tastebuds "thinks" is orange flavour.

Then you get to play space shuttle booster, without all the cool sound effects. You will need to replace your launching pad, though.

*Actually, there is a non-lethal weapon law enforcement had been working on back when I was on the force from the late '80's to the early 2000's, and that's a gas called "DM". You gas the offender and he/she begins uncontrollable loosening of the bowels all over themselves. When taught to us in one of the police academy classes I nick-named it, "Oh - Doody-Maker!" because of the initials. It's meant primarily for crowd & riot control.

And I suppose, thankfully, they haven't chosen to release this for use on the streets yet! Whew!

[Ken Gargett]

*Actually, there is a non-lethal weapon law enforcement had been working on back when I was on the force from the late '80's to the early 2000's, and that's a gas called "DM". You gas the offender and he/she begins uncontrollable loosening of the bowels all over themselves. When taught to us in one of the police academy classes I nick-named it, "Oh - Doody-Maker!" because of the initials. It's meant primarily for crowd & riot control.

And I suppose, thankfully, they haven't chosen to release this for use on the streets yet! Whew!

actually they have. it is called sauvignon blanc.

[IPORTER]

Excellent piece

[cottierm]

That summarizes quite well my experience of last Monday when I had mine done. Except that I needed to go back to work after the examination and chose not to be sedated ...

[Jimm902]

Excellent ken...had a very good laugh this evening...thanks for sharing

[anacostiakat]

Haha. Funny.

On a more serious note this procedure (which I have had countless times) can literally save your life. I was very fortunate and encourage everyone to not put off having this procedure done.

True, the prep is not a good experience. But after that, all you do is take a nap, wake up and fart.

[Coolio]

Thanks for posting this Ken. I'll have to read some of Dave Barry's work, this is hilarious.

I had the procedure here in Brisbane last year. The memories of the prep the day prior still linger. Painfully.

Although I did enjoy walking past all the Audi's, Maseratis, Porsche's and a lone red Ferrari in the staff car park at the Brisbane Private Hospital the morning of the procedure. That was nice!

[shrink]

[Squarehead]

Very funny story.I had it done last year and I watched the whole procedure on the screen.Actually it was fun.No problems whatsoever

[Warren]

I have to wonder about the true value of being violated in this manner.

A good friend of mine who always tried to look after himself had one done a little while ago.

He was given the all clear.

We buried him last month. He was riddled with cancer and you guessed it. It started in the bowel.

[Ribeye]

Next time tell your doctor you want Diacol Pills instead of the gallon of Movi prep glop. They are both made by the same company and are available in Australia. With the pills you can at least drink any clear liquid before the procedure -water, ginger ale, club soda, broth etcetera. It's equally effective at cleansing, but needs to be used with caution for people with kidney disease. The only downside is you need to follow a regimen of swallowing 32 pills starting about 12 - 16 hours before the procedure. Oh.....one last thing.....no matter which bowel prep you use. Stay close to the toilet and put a plastic sheet on your car seat on the way to the procedure!!!

At one time I did about 30 of these a week. Some folks were having double enders.....We would tease the patients and tell them to be nice or we would do the colonoscopy first.

[Fuzz]

Prepping for Moviprep....

[Squarehead]

I have to wonder about the true value of being violated in this manner.

A good friend of mine who always tried to look after himself had one done a little while ago.

He was given the all clear.

We buried him last month. He was riddled with cancer and you guessed it. It started in the bowel.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend but nothing is foolproof