the difference between a hippo and a zippo

[Ken Gargett]

yes, i know i am currently banned (for defending the forum, of all things!) so this will be my last post till i am back from cuba etc.

but i thought it a nice one to finish on.

These are the top jokes from the Edinburgh festival. i think No 5 is my fave.

See you in a few weeks.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.

2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.

3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?

4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.

6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.

8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.

10. Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.

Honourable mentions

Loving The Theory of Everything... James Acaster.

Jenny Collier: I never lie on my CV, because it creases it.

Ian Smith: If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

Tom Ward: I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

Gyles Brandreth: Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

Ally Houston: Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means “me”.

James Acaster: Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it. Should’ve been called Look Who’s Hawking, that’s my only criticism.

[NJP]

Are you graced with Two yellow cards these days or is it straight to a Red.

[Ken Gargett]

Are you graced with Two yellow cards these days or is it straight to a Red.

if i wasn't banned, i could tell you that there was no warning, just straight to red. harsh!

the fact that i am away for the next three weeks had nothing to do with the length of the sentence.

[El Presidente]

can you just leave.......

[Ken Gargett]

an you just leave.......

airlines permitting.

already in chaos.

[NJP]

Mate, don't pack your spoon leave it a home with the pot on the shelf. Travel safe.

[PapaDisco]

airlines permitting.

already in chaos.

I don't know how he's going to do this in Cuba and all . . . but based on past Gargett Adventures I predict he's going to end up with a bikini blonde on each arm . . .

[El Presidente]

I don't know how he's going to do this in Cuba and all . . . but based on past Gargett Adventures I predict he's going to end up with a bikini blonde on each arm . . .

...and a few dollars lighter for the experience

[Ken Gargett]

I don't know how he's going to do this in Cuba and all . . . but based on past Gargett Adventures I predict he's going to end up with a bikini blonde on each arm . . .

it won't be for want of trying.

as for rob, nice! i got banned for three weeks for less!

that deafening sound in the background is the thin ice cracking under you. remember i have photos!

[OZCUBAN]

Banned this is news to me ,what happened didn't know Mods could be banned

[NJP]

I love this Joint.

[El Presidente]

Banned this is news to me ,what happened didn't know Mods could be banned

Either did I

Ken apparently has a problem with the concept of "Banned".

[Ken Gargett]

Ken apparently has a problem with the concept of "Banned".

working on it.

mind you, i consider it more like doing the time before i do the crime.

hence, i have a free hand when i am back. seems only fair.

[El Presidente]

remember i have photos!

Those of Wenger, Sprigsteen and RGIII on your bedroom ceiling don't count!

My life is an open book. Go your hardest. Of course wait until your ban ends. I would hate to ban you again while you are banned. I am not sure that is possible.

[OZCUBAN]

Huh I think some one needs to have a lay down

Do the Cubans do a mental health check before stamping passports ?

[Ken Gargett]

Those of Wenger, Sprigsteen and RGIII on your bedroom ceiling don't count!

My life is an open book. Go your hardest. Of course wait until your ban ends. I would hate to ban you again while you are banned. I am not sure that is possible.

thank you, gary hart!

as for banning squared, i got sent off in a hockey match and the charming referee sent me off again before i even got back on. i was merely helping him understand what can be complex rules.

[CaptainQuintero]

Banned! Why?!

Do we need to set up a drum circle or social media campaign?

One, two, three, four, Gargett only bent the law!

Five, six, seven, eight, don't let them discriminate!

[Ken Gargett]

Banned! Why?!

Do we need to set up a drum circle or social media campaign?

One, two, three, four, Gargett only bent the law!

Five, six, seven, eight, don't let them discriminate!

i'm expecting to arrive back in brizzy with yellow ribbons around every tree!