A FewJokes

[Quint]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

Okay some are week but brought a smile............

[Quint]

Okay one more, an oldie but goodie

A rabbit walks into a bar and hops up on the stool. The bartender looks over and says: can I help you? The rabbit asks; got any carrots? The bartender says; no, this is a bar. The rabbit gets up and leaves the bar.

The next day the rabbit walks into the same bar hops up on the stool, the bar tender with a curious look on his face asks; can I help you? The rabbit asks; got any carrots? The bartender a little annoyed says; no, I told you yesterday this is a bar we don't have any carrots. The rabbit gets up and leaves.

The next day the rabbit again enters the bar and gets up on the stool. the bartender now agitated grumbles; can I help you? The rabbit asks; got any carrots? the bartender now angry says; I told you no, and if you come in here and ask again I'm going to nail that pretty little tail of yours to the bar. The rabbit gets up and leaves.

The next day, the rabbit once again goes to the bar and hops up on the bar stool, the bartender completely annoyed asks; can I help you!? the rabbit asks; got any nails? The bar tender replays; no! The rabbit asks; got any carrots?................

[KRunch61]

Guy walks into a clock repair shop, unzips his pants and slings it up over the counter. Girl behind the counter says "But sir, this is a clock repair shop!" Guy says, "Yeah, I know...I'd like a couple of hands put on this."

[TheFullMontecristo]

^{A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whisky and ……… soda.’ The bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’}

^{A guy walks into a bar, and he has a drink. He looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, and so on. And the bartender says, "What are you doing; what's in your pocket?" And the guy said, " It's a picture of}

^{my wife; when she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."}

^{A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head. ‘What the hell is that?’ asks the barman. The toad replies, ‘I don’t know – it started as a wart on my ass and grew.’}

[canadianbeaver]

These are hilarious! Thanks guys!

[Quint]

A woman is standing in front of a mirror and sighs and says; I look so fat, she turns to her husband and says; I need a compliment. The husbands says; you have perfect eye site

[leftimatic]

Two guys walk into a bar... you would think the first guy would of seen it.

An Italian suppository? An innuendo!

A rabbit meets up with a bear who is just finishing his morning pooh.

The bear says to the rabbit "Do you ever have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit looks up rather vainly and replies " No! Absolutely not."

So the bear wipes his ass with him.

[garbandz]

What do you call a pair of Italian astronauts?

Specimen..............

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two................,the hard part is getting them into the light bulb........

[garbandz]

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister walk into a bar...........you would think the first guy would have seen it..........

[earthson]

Q: How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One to change it and 10,000 to follow around the one that's burned out!

Q: How do you know when someone's vegan?

A: Don't worry - they'll tell you!

[cigcars]

Uhm - a-HEM! Guy walks into a bar in the South Pacific and sees a guy in a sailor suit. The poor man can't stop staring at this sailor...because he has an extraordinarily small head. I mean SMALL - about the size of an orange. The poor man finally can't stand it any longer & chances being told off or chewed out. The sailor man with the small head is rather exceptionally cordial, laughing and obliging to the man's questioning him about his small, small head. It seems that one day while stationed on one of those islands he came across a bottle. And you guessed it - a very pretty female genie pops out after he rubs it. He's given the standard 3 wishes as you might guess. "Well first I want to be rich!" And "poof" he's instantly worth millions. He makes a general purpose 2nd wish - "poof" it's his. "What is your third and final with, Master?" the very pretty genie asks. Looking her up and down the sailor man says, "Well - how about a little head!"

[wabashcr]

Pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices he has a full size ship's wheel attached to the front of his belt. Bartender asks the pirate, "Hey, what's the story with that wheel?"

The pirate responds....

wait for it....

"Arrrrrgh, it's driving me nuts."

[leftimatic]

That's why pirates like well insulated houses....

They go for the ARRRRR value!

[earthson]

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?

No, P!

It's just like R, but it's missing a leg!

[Quint]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an *******!

[DWC]

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

One... But the light bulb has to want to change.

[garbandz]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?

One's a cold blooded ,slimy bottom feeder............

The other's a fish...

[Quint]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapuss

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

She answers, "Warming up your dinner."

The 45 Difference

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

[smpf67]

Those are all too funny!! Keep 'em coming!

[Quint]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[Quint]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

[Quint]

The answer to the ultimate question:

Give this a little thought........

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke.

The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says,

"I guess we answered that question!"

Ashes to Ashes

A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated.

She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money.

You know the new car you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you?

Well, here it comes."

Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

A: Silicon Valley.

[packerjh]

What do you call the sex change surgery where a woman becomes a man??

An add-a-****-to-me.....

[Quint]

Try this line next time your in a club trying to pick up a lady/man:

I hope you know CPR because you're taking my breath away.

Dentist

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs.

The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Gynecological Echo

A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.

After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep ******."

The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."

The doctor says, "I didn't."

[Redsoxnat]

Once upon a time there was a daughter getting ready for a ball. The mother was helping her daughter get the dress and shoes. Helping her do her hair and makeup and giving her advice on being at a ball. Just before the daughter left the mother pulled her aside and told her, "Be home before midnight or your ***** will turn into a pumpkin."

The daughter looked at her mother in amazement and shock but agreed to be home before midnight and left.

The night went on as the mother watched the clock. 10, 11, 11:30, midnight! No daughter.

12:30, 1, 2 and shortly after 2 the daughter comes in.

The mother storms over and demands to know where she has been.

The daughter replies, "I met this boy, Peter Peter something eater."