Drink... like a man

[Philski]

Stumbled on this earlier, thought it was good for a chuckle:

You're a man. You look like a Brooklyn-exiled Theodor Herzl, you toss around the word "bespoke" on a daily basis, and you own several types of salt. You smoke $12 apiece cigarettes, flirt with the models at whiskey events, and would like to be buried in your grandfather's barn. And so, you deserve cocktails that befit a man of your modern masculine manner. You deserve everything in this world.

Here are a few of the finest concoctions scribbled in mixologist's scrolls from way back when planes were named classy things like Enola *** and men could flick ash at whoever they cared to.

THE MASTER'S LATHE

Thick and ticklish, reserved for a gentleman of supple pleasure. Pairs best with a hillock of oak shavings and a copy of The Sot-Weed Factor.

You will need -

Ingredients:

Glum Acrobat Roanoke Reserve Thrice-Blessed Barrel-Batch Rye Whiskey

Aromatic bitters

Bitter aromatics

Horseleather-infused simple syrup

Ape musk

Crab scrapings

Egg white (monotreme)

Virgin mint

Fiberglass

Aged ice

Equipment:

Swindler's cone

Fingerglove

Blotter

Cocktail shaker (brass)

Spitguard

Tiny bathtub

Instructions:

Fill swindler's cone with egg white and ape musk. Palpate relentlessly until the musk protests (6-8 minutes).

Regard the ice.

Twist, slap, and kiss the mint (w/tongue). Repeat until flushed.

Combine aromatic bitters and bitter aromatics in equal proportion until, entirely neutralized, a glass of water remains. Drink this to stay hydrated.

Combine whiskey, syrup, and crab scrapings in tiny bathtub. With fingerglove, splish splash your pinky about like a little bitty hedonist. Watch you do not bruise the liquor.

Spit on the spitguard to confirm its effectiveness. Set aside indefinitely.

Combine tub, cone, ice, and fiberglass in cocktail shaker. Place near a fault line. Return after a sizable seismic event.

Pour cocktail into the drain. Only the process mattered

.

THE DROPSICAL BARRISTER

An old and venerable cocktail, widely believed to have single-handedly kickstarted the Prohibition era. Still technically illegal in the mainland USA. Best drank with awful company in a terrible mindset.

You will need -

Ingredients:

A bullet

Grain spirits (180 proof or above)

Sinverguenza's Black Agave Execution-Style Smoked Tequila

Powders

Pre-holy water

Choice botanicals

Local farm spelt

Heirloom rhubarb (karate-chopped)

Herbal Essences

Equipment:

A big damn knife

Instructions:

Dissolve bullet in a jar of grain spirits. Shoot the jar with a gun. Consider what you've just done, and why you've done it. Gather loose drippings.

Pour the pre-holy water into your favorite drinking glass. Drink this to stay hydrated.

Circulate the powders, remaining mindful of their properties.

Work Herbal Essences into damp hair, working from root to tip, until a lather forms. Wring hair into a highball glass and serve to an enemy.

Mash spelt, rhubarb, and tequila into a loose paste. Anoint knife with paste and plunge into a heart (yours or whoever's). Catch whatever comes out in a highball glass and serve to an enemy.

Go to bed. You've had a long day.

.

FIREBALL FLAKES

A big boy's breakfast. Strictly for caucasians.

You will need -

Ingredients:

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey

Milk (whole)

Cheerios

Equipment:

Bowl

Spoon

Adventurer's mindset

Instructions:

You can pretty much figure this one out I think.

.

THE BIG BOPPER'S PANTY DROPPER

Killed FDR.

You will need -

Ingredients:

White rum

Dark rum

Darker rum

Spiced rum

Salted rum

Frozen rum

De-aged rum

Poison rum

Raisin rum

Crummy rum

Rummikub

Domesticated rum

Cran-apple rum

Tum tugger rum

Sugar cane (in rum form)

Whiskey rum

Gin rum

Gin rummy

Dried rum (rehydrated)

Spider rum (orb)

Rum juice

"Rum"

Piss

Vinegar

Equipment:

Rum gloves

Rum hat

"I <3 RUM" shirt

Punch bowl

Instructions:

Combine all ingredients in a punch bowl and set on fire. Run.

Keep running.

Never stop.

[Habana Mike]

Love me a Master's Lathe though I can never find aromatic bitters

[polarbear]

I'm having Fireball Flakes right now

[leftimatic]

And I thought drinking paint thinners straight was manly. I got a long way to go.

[CaptainQuintero]

I found out today about connoisseur ice:

http://www.glaceice.net/

[AbuAmelia]

I found out today about connoisseur ice:

http://www.glaceice.net/

That's some expensive ass ice!!!

[Jeremy Festa]

That was magic! Cheers

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[polarbear]

I found out today about connoisseur ice:

http://www.glaceice.net/

WHAT!?

Its frozen F&^king Water!?

[Habana Mike]

WHAT!?

Its frozen F&^king Water!?

Yeah, but think of the logistics and shipping costs!

[...]

Yeah, but think of the logistics and shipping costs!

Yep. No matter how much coin you have, there are many ways of wasting it...

[Philski]

I found out today about connoisseur ice:

http://www.glaceice.net/

THANK YOU QC. At last. No longer will my G&Ts be adulterated by the the ruinous flavour of imperfect ice cubes.

[mikek]

Just give me two fingers of Pappy van Winkle with one ice cube,and A water back!

[Fosgate]

Kids drinks

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/71vl/1800-tequila-silver-kid-drinks-featuring-ray-liotta