weekend incident

[canadianbeaver]

David you should run for office. You are UN material.

Xo

[Ginseng]

What an excellent thread! So many great comments, advice, and experiences.

This is not a situation I've found myself in often, but it will come up in some incarnation for most cigar smokers at some point. My take is simply this:

1. The high road. Learn it, know it, use it.
   
2. But also know when someone needs a gentle poke to create some cognitive dissonance from which they can learn and grow if they are so inclined. Do so with grace and compassion whenever possible.
   
3. Your place, your event - your rules. My place, my event - my rules. Neutral venue - consideration rules.
   
4. Be attentive to the stinkeye, backtalk, and other nonverbal cues but do not regard it as "communication." Demand and require that adults interact as adults. The corollary is that you need not heed anything but an honest and direct attempt at communication.
   
5. Be prepared to speak with passion if/when asked about cigars, their value in your life, your motivation to smoke, history, etc.
   
6. Be prepared to respond with dispassion if/when asked about "smokers' issues" such as legislation, rights, etc.
   

I am not a believer that rude people deserve courtesy. Being classy around those with no class has proven to be a negative to me. It does not make me feel good! It makes me feel disingenuous, pretending to be magnanimous when I am really pissed.

I hear you and it's hard and I'm much of the same basic perspective. The only way I can make it work for me, and I want it to work, is to do it for me and not to show off, to piss them off with kindness, or to show anyone else I'm better than they are. It is a measure of integrity, it is internal. And this does make me feel good.

You need not maintain a gregarious front or display magnanimity. But you can show that you are responding, acknowledging, and in a way that builds yourself up. Whether anyone else lets themselves get something out if it...well, not your concern or responsibility.

Again, thank you to all the posters, constructive, humorous, insightful, and more.

Wilkey

[PigFish]

What an excellent thread! So many great comments, advice, and experiences.

This is not a situation I've found myself in often, but it will come up in some incarnation for most cigar smokers at some point. My take is simply this:

1. The high road. Learn it, know it, use it.
   
2. But also know when someone needs a gentle poke to create some cognitive dissonance from which they can learn and grow if they are so inclined. Do so with grace and compassion whenever possible.
   
3. Your place, your event - your rules. My place, my event - my rules. Neutral venue - consideration rules.
   
4. Be attentive to the stinkeye, backtalk, and other nonverbal cues but do not regard it as "communication." Demand and require that adults interact as adults. The corollary is that you need not heed anything but an honest and direct attempt at communication.
   
5. Be prepared to speak with passion if/when asked about cigars, their value in your life, your motivation to smoke, history, etc.
   
6. Be prepared to respond with dispassion if/when asked about "smokers' issues" such as legislation, rights, etc.
   

I hear you and it's hard and I'm much of the same basic perspective. The only way I can make it work for me, and I want it to work, is to do it for me and not to show off, to piss them off with kindness, or to show anyone else I'm better than they are. It is a measure of integrity, it is internal. And this does make me feel good.

You need not maintain a gregarious front or display magnanimity. But you can show that you are responding, acknowledging, and in a way that builds yourself up. Whether anyone else lets themselves get something out if it...well, not your concern or responsibility.

Again, thank you to all the posters, constructive, humorous, insightful, and more.

Wilkey

You are too nice Wilkey!!!

[cckandb24]

I've changed my mind. You definitely need to go to the BBQ! BUT, you need to make yourself contract bird flu, or SARS, or West Nile or something before you go. Then when you get there, go around kissing everyone and drinking out of everyone's glass and sneezing on them. You will be fine, you should be able to recover, but as we all know, Hippies, D-Bags and Snobs all naturally have a weaker immune system, they probably won't fare as well.

1-3 weeks later......Victory!!!!!

Also bring about 15 drug store dollar cigars with you and sneak them into the BBQ fire and any other fire pits going, that way everybody will smell it, look at you and see its not you and can just sit there innocent and go up to the sister complaining about someone smoking cigars.

The food will likely be ruined, but hey......next stop Hooters!

David. I nearly pee d on myself reading your 2 posts. When can I come to Texas and hang out?

[brazoseagle]

David. I nearly pee d on myself reading your 2 posts. When can I come to Texas and hang out?

Anytime Brother!

[Edwhatever]

Something someone told me a while back.

"You respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that does not grow you, or makes you happy."

[marty922]

Something someone told me a while back.

"You respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that does not grow you, or makes you happy."

Maybe I'm nit-picking :-), but the quote is

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy" - Robert Tew

[Ginseng]

Maybe I'm nit-picking :-), but the quote is

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy" - Robert Tew

Well done. A truly laudable sentiment about one's inward focus.

Wilkey

[Edwhatever]

Thanks guys for the correction

[CanuckSARTech]

Wow, Phil. Just getting caught up on reading up on this.

After the initial incident, you took the high road. You were a social gentleman regarding that earlier discourse, and no one can really disparage you due to that.

Now....this time....

Now knowing the other particulars (cigarettes apparently aren't and issue, pot isn't and issue, etc.)....

I would !#@#@!#$@#!@-slap that arrogant, self-righteous sister with a verbal barage. Disgusting, knowing those other facts, and the arrogant tendencies that she uses them with to separate you and your girlfriend out.

But, at the same point, I agree with all of Wilkey's sentiment (your place, your rules).

So, tell her off, and show up no more, pending a change of the rules. No smoke for one, no smoke for all. Plain and simple.

Gawd, I missed reading up on all this stuff.