weekend incident

[IcedCanuck]

Last Saturday my g/f and I went to a BBQ her sister was having. This is the second BBQ at her house I have attended. The first time I brought cigars and as usual I asked if anyone would have an issue with me smoking a few. Nobody had a problem with it and I was told to light 'em up. So last weekend I brought cigars again and this time didn't bother asking because it was more or less the same crowd. There was a six month old child there so I waited for the child to be put inside to sleep before lighting anything up. I should also mention that at least 50% of the people there if not more are cigarette smokers. About half way through the day I noticed that one of my g/f sister's has not been in the backyard for a while (she has many siblings). A few minutes later she comes back into the backyard holding her breath ... at this point I have a sneaking suspicion where this is headed. She then proclaims that she's leaving because the smoke is too much and she can't handle the cigars. She said it in such a way that everyone was intended to hear it and she was, in my humble opinion, trying to make me feel real bad about it. Truth be told I certainly do feel bad about it and next time I go to one of their family gatherings I will leave the cigars at home. I had an Allones Extra burning at the time which at that point I simply let go out. Her mother then started complaining about the 'smoking' as well (by this point the cigar had gone out). I did feel really bad about it and I had to keep reminding myself that I asked if anyone would have a problem with it and nobody said a thing.

My g/f sister, the one that left due to my cigar smoking, is having a BBQ at her place on Tuesday, tomorrow. I think I'm going to skip it. The worst part is that her other sister who's house we were at couldn't care a less if I smoked the cigars or not and neither does her husband. She, and my g/f, claim their sister is a b!tch anyway. WTF kind of mess did I just step into? The really bad smelling kind I think.

[CaptainQuintero]

Go to the BBQ mate, don't take any cigars but eat as many eggs, beans and burritos as you can before you go

[canadianbeaver]

This is a great story. Last year my nephew got married and there were about 200 people. I am getting quite famous (not nec in a good way) about the lady relative who smokes cigars. I asked my nephew if he would like me to bring some cigars and have a herf (they all love that word) for some of his friends. He said he would love that. My pleasure.

Now I know there were going to be LOTS of old farts and snooties there who would be disgusted but I had the groom's OK. I brought some smaller crappy cigars for folks who never smoked before and a few good ones for BOTL's.

We went off to another area where we could enjoy our activity undisturbed and not bother anyone else. One by one more people joined us and we became the hit of the wedding.

Going to another area and inviting anyone who wants to join you for a smoke (of anything) is the key.

[ptrthgr8]

I'd skip it, too. No point putting yourself in a situation like that - they're not your family, so it's not like you have some sort of real obligation, IMO. If you do decide to go, make sure you ***** and piss and moan about the cigarette smoke.

[riazp]

If you really like this girl Phil, be the bigger man and just go the bbq and just show them that a cigar smoker is someone with class, and does not NEED to smoke, rather enjoys the art of smoking a cigar. Just my opinion.

[Colt45]

Personally, I think you did the right thing - you let the cigar go out and didn't make a fuss - I wouldn't feel bad about it.

You could always continue to bring cigars, but leave them in the car until you determine whether it's ok or not to ignite.

[IcedCanuck]

Personally, I think you did the right thing - you let the cigar go out and didn't make a fuss - I wouldn't feel bad about it.

You could always continue to bring cigars, but leave them in the car until you determine whether it's ok or not to ignite.

This is what I was thinking as well. Once the people who have an issue with it have left it should be ok for me to spark them.

[khamy]

Great idea from all the above contributors, even the burrito eater

When i'm the lone BOTL in an unknown environment, i tend to take a robusto or PC size cigar in a tubos, that way i have the option of lighting up if i determine its ok to do so, or just keep it in my pocket. i do like Canadianbeavers idea and will try that next time as well.

[Puros Y Vino]

Some great advice. I was going to say overreact. Bring some cigars, smoke them...use the nubs to burn the house down as you leave. Sometimes you gotta take a stand.

[Guest Robo]

The most important thing, IMO, is not smoking in front of children or pregnant women. You waited for the child to go to sleep so you showed that you are sensitive to the basic concerns of others. The owners of the house were ok with your smoking. The bad sister was a guest there, just like you, so she really shouldn't have said anything. If it was bothering her that much she should have left quietly. I would keep on smoking at the good sisters house until the owners say it's not ok.

As far as the bad sister's BBQ goes, if you are still invited then I think you should go, at least for a bit. If I was you I would think about leaving early so that you can enjoy a cigar!

[IcedCanuck]

The most important thing, IMO, is not smoking in front of children or pregnant women. You waited for the child to go to sleep so you showed that you are sensitive to the basic concerns of others. The owners of the house were ok with your smoking. The bad sister was a guest there, just like you, so she really shouldn't have said anything. If it was bothering her that much she should have left quietly. I would keep on smoking at the good sisters house until the owners say it's not ok.

As far as the bad sister's BBQ goes, if you are still invited then I think you should go, at least for a bit. If I was you I would think about leaving early so that you can enjoy a cigar!

Now that is a fantastic idea! If I leave early and someone asks I could mention that we're going to the cigar lounge to enjoy a nice cigar!

[riazp]

Great advice by Robo there. Go, leave early and if they ask why your leaving, just say i'm leaving to go enjoy a cigar. Done and Done. You get your point across in a polite manner.

[Diamondog]

Awkward.....lol

[CanuckSARTech]

Phil, you reacted perfectly in the first instance. Acted gentlemanly by not making a fuss. It helps that the other family members told you afterwards that she's Ms. Crabby-Pants.

However, I think that you HAVE to go on Tuesday. Be the bigger man. She invited you and your girlfriend. Make an appearance. Don't make a scene or even any mention of this earlier BBQ. However, if she brings it up (ie - "Did you bring any of your stinky cigars??"), then just take the higher ground. Make a profuse but cordial apology (ie - "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize they'd bother you that much, and it wasn't my place to make you uncomfortable. I asked all the others, and they didn't have a problem with it. But it was unfair to you, and I'm sorry for that.") Chicks dig apologies. And if she presses the issue further, just say that no, you didn't bring any to her BBQ out of respect for her and her place.

But go. You were invited. If you don't go, she'll take it as a slight, and that you want to outcast her from your girlfriend/her sister because of the cigars. If you don't go, you're a prick. If you do go, and you bring cigars, or hold the past situation over her head, you're a prick. And, I also think that if you use cigars as an excuse to leave early, then you're a prick. Just go, and act like the previous situation didn't even happen, nor that it bothered you at all, and that cigars aren't even in the picture for that day.

Like it or not, make it shown, and make the sister understand/see, that the cigars aren't the priority for you for these get-togethers; it's about just spending time with your girlfriend and her family/sisters.

Trust me - it's a careful path that you need to tread there; you DON'T want to get between two sisters!

[Dbone]

girls. Not your fault they have to be whiny and make a scene. Present company excluded of course... Someone don't like it, say something, end of story. Look, I understand that not everyone is going to want to breath in my cigars smoke. I do take steps to ensure I'm not troubling anyone along those lines. But if it does, I'm sorry, but I'm no mind reader if you bring it up I'll gladly put the cigar down and enjoy it somewhere else.

Like a couple weeks ago I was at the beach and I parked myself plenty far away from everyone else. Then the wind changed and started to blow in a direction were a mother and her daughter, probably 100yards from me, started to give me the stink eye... over the shoulder. All I could hear was something about "stinky cigar" between themselves. LOL girls...

Look, you are a guest at the upcoming BBQ, so be a good guest and keep the cigars at home. I would go to the party just so you don't create more drama for the family LOL. When I have company at my place though, it's my place and I get to smoke when and were I like... respectfully though, like not in the kids face. But if the kids are playing in back and I'm grilling in back.. I'm having a cigar LOL :-)

[Orion21]

If the whole family knows she's a complainer then don't think anything about it. She probably does with with many other things as well and has for a long time. I am sure you are not the only person in this family she has made feel bad about something that offended he sensibilities. That being said this is what I would do if I were you:

Go to the BBQ. Shortly after you arrive find her and pull her aside for a second to tell her you feel really bad about your cigar chasing her off over the weekend. Tell her the last time you were there you asked if anyone minded and no one did, so you lit up. Tell her next time just tell me the smoke bothers you (which now you know) and you will avoid smoking your cigars around her and that the last thing you want is for there to be any awkwardness because you really value her friendship, love her little baby yadda yadda yadda. Just disarm her and let her know in not so subtle terms she was being passive aggressive and that as a real man you can handle someone saying they don't enjoy cigar smoke. It will make YOU look really good and her look like the little complaining child she is if she ever complains again.

[Vetteman]

Sleep with the sister. That usually smooths everything over.

That was funny!

You probably should abstain from smoking at gatherings with this crowd, although if people are smoking cigarettes I personally wouldn't hesitate to light a cigar, but smoke a bit away from everyone. In fairness to your g/f you should continue to attend the family functions, but I'd feel free to leave early, or disappear for an hour or two to enjoy a smoke somewhere.

[BatFastard]

Sleep with the sister. That usually smooths everything over.

All kidding aside as others have mentioned, be the bigger man and go to the BBQ. Certainly don't take the past experience personally.

[Michel1968]

That's a very awkward position. And a true example of being a lousy host. Better be discreet when complaining during a 'public' event. I'dd skip the upcoming BBQ as well and have your gf telling her sister that your very upset, discreetly.

[PigFish]

I am all for courtesy and class, but I'll be damned if I like being pissed upon. My statement here has no real bearing on your behaviour mate, but discusses my feelings on the matter. I am sick of the PC world and that includes all kinds of people and 'their' habits!

I am compelled to listen to others foul mouths, stupid political opinions, stenchy perfumes and beverages, body odors and other gasses... etc. Sharing the air is a two way street, I don't really care what the current trend is!!!

The best defense is a good offense. Smoke up! When asked to put out that means the gautlet is thrown down and you can smoke at home in peace next time, while the yuppies snack on water cress and discuss global warming!

Why does one bring their 6 month old out in the first place? I don't care if they do, but when they do, they themselves get exposed to viruses and pollution, too much sun, etc. If you are going to be sensitive about yourself and your kids, overly so, then don't go to parties or leave them at home. Bars or other locations where adults are acting like adults and enjoying what adults do is not the place for an infant. Puting your baby in a tough spot... intentially and then holding him/her up and blaming another for doing so, is rude and stupid. Babies belong at home and kid parties. They can get hurt at adult parties. Defining whether the party is for kids, or adults is then important. Men don't belong in the Jolly Jump... kids don't belong in a bar! If you are concerned about kids... why would you bring them to a place where people are drinking... and smoking? I can almost bet that after having a few drams, daddy climbed back in to the car, baby seat and all and went down the road, 'legally' intoxed!!!

Children are used in this society as personal and political tools to excersize the desires of those that wish to do so.

This stuff is as stupid as fighting over what is on the TV!!! I suggest you change your opinion. You should blame the party for brining their baby to an environment that they feel is not suited. If people were drinking at the party, or anyone was sick at the party, that kid was in a lot more danger from drunken adults and viruses than he was from your cigar smoke and it is their parents that are responsible for that! Just my 2 cts!

This is the politically correct mind a work. Put yourself in a bad position and then blame another in society for the result.

Good luck at your next party. -the Pig

[LLC]

I would go and while there tell her there was no reason to leave. You were enjoying your cigars after the baby had gone inside with the blessing of the hosts but if it bothered her all she had to do was ask and you would have stopped. It's not that you have to have one, only that you enjoy having them.

[Lastroll]

Sleep with the sister. That usually smooths everything over.

I should know better than to drink coffee while reading your posts. Thanks Shlomo, I needed a laugh..... And a new keyboard.

[Duane]

Sleep with the sister. That usually smooths everything over.

so bloody lol it might make it good for one but not the other

i recently went to a wedding and asked if its ok, got the all clear and lit up away from others, than to my astonishment some ladies came over and said that smells so nice and stood there smelling away, was an RASS, made me feel better

[craigos]

Reasons why I moved from Australia to the USA. Dont have to deal with family BS.

"Never argue with an idiot, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience every time"

[LGC]

I would avoid any event with the sister there. If your g/f ask you why you won't attend, tell her straight up. If your g/f wants you to attend, tell her to talk to her sister. If your g/f and her family won't say or do anything in your defense... well, that's up for you to decide what your next moves are going to be.

I can't stand it when people make excuses for other folk's behavior... even when they don't agree with it. (Oh, she's always a *****.... Oh, he's always a ****... Oh, they're always like that....)

I've faced similar issues with my wife's friends (whom are also friends of her family). I told my wife early on... either you handle it, or I will confront the persons myself. My wife and her mother always try to avoid any type of conflict; and they ATTEMPT to try and make everyone happy all of the time (which is a recipe for disaster). Currently, my wife has chosen to maintain the friendships with certain trouble people... but has let the ties drift apart a little bit. I can understand folks having trouble with the confronting the behavior of others (especially when they are relatives or close friends of the family); but I refuse to let others get away with certain types of behavior without being called out on their actions.

Let us know how things turn out for you. I'm anxious to hear the story.