Ways to respond when somebody asks you to put out a Cigar

[OZCUBAN]

Hi all I am sure we have all been asked this question here are some possible replies

Ways to Respond When Someone

Asks You to Put Your Cigar Out 

"Is it the smoke that bothers you, or the sight of someone enjoying himself?"

2.  (The Response Literal:) "Put out _this_ cigar? Seems kind of silly,   but sure. Now wait a sec while I light another..."

3. (The Response Coy:) "I'd love to, but I'm afraid you'd think I'm easy."

4. (The Response Ingenuous:) "What a coincidence! You're the third person to ask me that---oh, it's _you_ again."

5. (The Response Juvenile:) "Who died and made you the Fun Patrol?"

6. (The Response Existential:) "What does it matter?"

7. (The Response Newlywed:) "Gosh, darling, our first fight. And just think, we'll be able to repeat it every time I light up."

8. (The Response Recidivist:) "My parole officer says it steadies my nerves."

9. (The Lie Direct:) "I'm not smoking."

10. (The Lie Circumstantial:) "Were I smoking, your request, however rude, might be worthy of reply."

11. (The Retort Courteous, to female jerk:) "My cigar is beautifully made, gives pleasure, and is silent. You, madam, posses two of these virtues."

12. (The Countercheck Quarrelsome:) "If I do, sir, upon whom shall we blame the stink?" [Or madam.]

13. (The Quip Modest, to female jerk:) "Madam, your advances are untimely and unexpected, but not unwelcome. Perhaps after I've finished this cigar."

14. (The Reproof Valiant, to male jerk:) "Sir, we are both blowing smoke, but I at least have the courtesy to be smoking a fine cigar."

15. (Among Yuppies:) "It depends. How much do you make?"

16. (Among Trivial Pursuers:) "Wait! Don't tell me! `Put out that #(!&!$ cigar!' Bogey. _Casablanca_. 1943. And Ingrid Bergman replies, `Why do I only get that from guys who are lousy in bed?'"

17. "No one said anything about my cigar when I was raising the flag on Iwo Jima." [Or liberating Kuwait City.]

18. (Among Wassailers:) "No, and all God's blessings this holiday season."

19. (The Charles Bronson:) "Any other last requests?"

20. (The Emily Post:) "I've often wondered which is ruder: smoking a cigar or interrupting a total stranger?"

21. (The Clint Eastwood:) "Think of me as a grenade. This cigar is my pin. I might be a dud of a grenade. Well, punk, do you feel lucky today? Is he a dud or a live grenade? Go ahead, pull my pin."

22. (The Tom Paine:) "No, but I'll defend to the death your right to ask me."

23. (The Randy Newman:) "Your growth is already stunted; don't worry about mine."

24. "Let me know if there's anything _you_ enjoy. I'll come around and ask _you_ to stop."

25. (At a singles bar:) "I can't. I'm researching a novel."

26. (At a singles bar; Some Like It Haughty:) "What a great icebreaker! I applaud your moxie. If I were of your class, I would never dream of approaching someone like me."

27. (At a singles bar; the Fool's Bluff:) "I'm an artist. My medium is smoke."

28. (At a singles bar; the Cut Indirect:) "Doctors say people with sensitive noses are sexually repressed. Kiss me."

29. (At a singles bar, for a female jerk:) "I'm sorry. I mistook you for a woman in her prime."

30. (At a singles bar, for a male jerk:) "I'm sorry. I mistook you for a straight."

31. "If I can't smoke near lowlife like you, where can I smoke?"

32. (At a class reunion:) "Does the smoke bother your nose job?"

33. (At the wheel:) "No problem. I don't need a cigar to keep me awake... not at night... zz-zz-zzzzzz..."

34. (At a house party:) "I see our host invited all kinds."

35. (At a barbecue:) "I'm just doing this to keep bugs away. Guess it isn't working."

36. (At a wrestling match:) "Why? Is it interfering with your enjoyment of mindless violence?" [Also suitable for football, hockey, or most TV.]

37. "If I do, what will it leave you to whine about?"

38. (The Team Player's Move:) "I'd like to help you out. It's just that you caught me at a bad time---I'm smoking a cigar right now."

39. (The Backhand Return:) "God, I admire people who aren't afraid to be disliked."

40. (The Pensive Parry:) [pause to savor your cigar] "Every time I light up, somebody asks me that."

41. (The Sympathy Play:) "Don't you know I only have a week to live? Who put you up to this?"

42. (The Sicilian Gambit:) "Sure, I'll put it out. Vinnie --- remember that face."

43. (The Appeal to Simple Justice:) "You're the third person to ask me that. And if I said yes now, it wouldn't be fair to the others."

44. (The NRA Recoil:) "If cigars are outlawed, only outlaws will have cigars."

45. (The Civil Servant Squelch:) "I'm only authorized to light 'em, not put 'em out. You need a GS-17. Besides, I'm on my lunch break."

(The Diner's Club:) "Put out that food. I'm trying to smoke."

46. (The Postprandial Cordial:) "Oops, I don't have an ashtray. Would you pass me your plate?"

47. (The Sharp Salute:) "Yes, sir, Captain Bringdown. Sir!"

48. "I'll bet you're looking forward to martial law."

49. (When in Moscow; the Red Scare:) "Give me your name and the names of all who feel this way."

50. (The California Turndown:) "I hear you. I know where you're coming from. I just can't get behind it."

51. (The Hell's Kitchen Kiss-off:) "What difference does it make? You'll still be ugly."

52. "You must have a lot to think about."

53. (To a wealthy snob:) "Why? Are you waiting around for the butt?"

54. (To a health nut:) "I'll have you know this cigar is natural, organic, and without artificial ingredients, which is more than I can say for your Gore-tex shorts, granola breath!"

55. (To a lawyer:) "I hope you're not singling me out. You get paid good money to torment people." [Also works with doctors and dentists.]

56. (To a flashy dresser:) "Sure, if you'll turn down the volume on your jacket."

57. (To a four-year-old:) "Make me."

58. (To a pretty woman:) "Yes, but that can not extinguish the fire in (a) my heart. ( your eyes. © your hair."

59. (To an indignant young thing:) "I like a filly with spirit."

60. (To a feminist:) "You've got the wrong guy. I'm neither your father nor all men."

61. (To a dog owner:) "Certainly. [to dog:] Gimme paw."

62. (To a dog-walker in the park:) "Sure. Say, there's something on the bottom of my shoe. Could you kind of flick it off for me?"

63. (To a foreigner:) [Point to your watch and say loudly] "It's three twenty-five!"

64. (To a gum-chewer) "I'd like to, but unlike you, I can't stick my oral fixation under a table."

65. (To a comedy writer:) "I can't hear you, I've got a cigar in my mouth."

66. (To a neighbor:) "As long as we're getting rid of nuisances, how about your family?"

67. (To a shrink:) "What's _really_ bothering you?"

68. (To a jogger:) "Hey, sorry about Jim Fixx."

68. "Can I see some ID?"

69. (The Phil Donahue smarm-out:) [loudly] "Thank you for sharing. Let's open it up. [using cigar as microphone] How does the rest of the restaurant feel? Help me out here!" [This can backfire!]

70. (At a nice four-star French restaurant:) [loudly] "Hey, buddy! If you don't have any money, you should have thought of that before you ordered!"

71. (At a church social:) [loudly] "Go peddle your child pornography elsewhere!"

72. (At the deli:) [loudly] "No, I won't sign your petition to pardon Nazi war criminals!"

73.  "How ironic... I lit this to keep you away."

74. (To a prim spinster:) [loudly] "But you said you liked it last night at the No-Tell Motel!"

75. (The hand-out card approach:) [Hand the jerk a card which reads:] "You have just insulted a very wealthy person." 

[dicko]

hahaha epic list

[Puros Y Vino]

Awesome post. So many to remember.

[Scdalak]

I n a Las Vegas Casino at a Slot Machine Woman sits next to me, "Sir please put that out or move" "Oh Im sorry I was here first (Big Puff of Smoke blown into her face, turns green and runs off) If i was losing I probably would have put it out in her face, but I thought my response was appropriate..

[Chewz0507]

I am going to have to write those down for the next time someone asks me to put out my cigar. Although I think my favorite from the list will confuse just enough to work every time.

9. (The Lie Direct:) "I'm not smoking."

[CUBANO]

Thanks for the post. Will use a couple of them.

[bassman]

I n a Las Vegas Casino at a Slot Machine Woman sits next to me, "Sir please put that out or move" "Oh Im sorry I was here first (Big Puff of Smoke blown into her face, turns green and runs off) If i was losing I probably would have put it out in her face, but I thought my response was appropriate..

Same thing happened to me in Atlanic City, except the lady called security. I explained I was smoking in a smoking area & she sat down next to me. Security told her to go to a non smoking area.

[Habanakane21]

I love these! Copy and paste to my phone for quick reference!!

[cigcars]

*I'm super sensitive when it comes to the possibility of offending people when I'm enjoying myself. So I have a handy dandy sign that I put up (special ordered) that says, "CIGAR SMOKERS ONLY. All Others Will Be Smoked Out!" And that way nobody has to be unpleasantly surprised; They were warned

[Van55]

I was sitting with my family on the oceanfront beach (is there any other kind?), enjoying a cigar when a woman behind us asked me if I would put out the cigar because it was bothering her asthmatic child. I told her I would be glad to put it out -- as soon as I had finished with it.

It was a big beach. She and her child found another location.

[Puros Y Vino]

It was a big beach. She and her child found another location.

That should've been the beginning and end of it. If the cigar smoke is an issue, then don't sit near a cigar smoker.

[smpf67]

Utterly Fantastic!

[cigarroverzulu]

All I say is @#$%^& &*!@#$ %@#$#@!!!

[CaptainQuintero]

Hmm never ran into anyone complaining, then again in the UK the worst you are going to get it some loud tutting.

Then again at the beach a few years back an older woman was giving me come to bed eyes, thinking back she might have been complaining about the smoke in a non-confrontational way

[El Presidente]

Then again at the beach a few years back an older woman was giving me come to bed eyes, thinking back she might have been complaining about the smoke in a non-confrontational way

Always assume the former.

[str8dog]

I'm kinda partial to #73 ... "How ironic, I lit this to keep you away."

[nick17]

I think i will just have to use the lase one